“I’m never going to be loved”
Omg. I can’t tell you how many times I thought this when my hair loss began. Whenever I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror (which was rare because I removed ALL mirrors from my room and most of my house), I hated what I saw. It was devastating.
So I figured...if I couldn't love my reflection, how could anyone love me? How could anyone find beauty in me? As women living in a patriarchal society, so much of our energy goes towards looking pleasing to the opposite sex. This notion makes me want to vomit. I hate this. But I bought into it for YEARS.
Today’s narrative is very different. It’s been 13 years since my hair loss started. I recently celebrated my birthday and it got me thinking about 19-year-old Kim. Although I empathise with her, I don’t know her anymore. This hair loss thing really has been a journey. It’s taught me sooooo much.
It’s taught me that my worth has never, is never and will never be attached to the physical. And anyone who judges you for something you cannot change (like your hair) isn’t worth the time of day. Unloveable?? F**k that.
Discovering the alt hair world and wearing hair hasn’t just been a way for me to cope with my hair loss. It’s taught me that I’m never, ever alone. I’m not ‘weird’, there’s not something ‘wrong’ with me- so many women go through what I’m going through. There’s so many women out there who ‘get it’.
Im allowed to be mad about it. Im allowed to have down days. Wearing hair hasn’t instantly made me feel all sunshine and rainbows about this whole alopecia thing.
But it has given me more control. And when I started to have control over my hair, I started having control over my life. It gave me the space to fall in love with myself again. And I think that’s the most important love of all.
P.S. I‘ve just installed new mirrors in my whole house. And I think I like the reflection looking back at me 😉